The word disappointment has such a derogatory feel to it. Especially when said to us as a child by a parent, a caregiver, a school teacher.
The connotation has quite an impact on our sense of self in the world. A quiet one. Negative feelings of shame and guilt attached to it that a child doesn’t understand, but feels the responsibility of.
“Make sure you don’t disappoint us now.”
“Don’t let us down.”
“Don’t make a show of yourself.”
These words spoken to a child are a heavy load to carry. They set us up for life and ultimately have a long-term impact on our well-being.
The pressure of the expectation to not disappoint can weigh heavily on our shoulders and affect the balance in our nervous system.
How can it not?
The responsibility of not disappointing someone, the fear attached to it, the guilt and shame that become self-judgments and self-criticism for not getting it right. And the pressure and expectations on ourselves to be sure to do better next time.
This is also when perfectionism may develop. And where unfair expectations of others grow.
Why unmet expectations can feel so painful
When we grow up trying not to disappoint the caregivers and adults who made it our responsibility not to, we often become hyper-attuned to what others want from us.
As children, we learned to anticipate. To guess. To perform even when exhausted. To place our needs at the back without ever being asked. To stay alert to what others expect of us and sense what would please, upset, or disappoint the people around us.
Over time, it becomes a pattern.
We expect ourselves not to make mistakes, not to cause upset, not to let anyone down. And without realising it, we may begin to expect the same from others.
When we have learned to be so mindful of other people’s feelings, of course, we feel hurt when it seems others are not mindful of ours—that they don’t instinctively know what we need.
So, when someone does not meet an expectation we have been carrying silently, it can touch something much deeper.
We feel anger. Hurt. Sadness.
All at once, we are faced with the needs we meet readily versus our own unmet needs that no one seems to see at all.
We feel let down.
But these expectations are really appointments we make within ourselves and project outward onto other people.
Private emotional agreements. Quiet hopes. Unspoken needs. Expectations yet to be met.
What feels like confirmation that our needs are not important is really us feeling the disappointment of someone not showing up for an appointment they never knew they had.
Of course, this also applies when we don’t meet someone else’s unspoken expectations, and the familiar guilt we feel for not having met their needs.
We’ve missed the appointment. And in doing so, we now feel responsible for their disappointment, even if we were never made aware that we were expected to attend.
How to release the pressure of expectations
It starts with looking at the expectations we place on ourselves in the form of ‘have to’ do, need to do, should do.
I have to get this right.
I need to do more.
I should be able to handle this.
Because when we don’t achieve whatever demands we put on ourselves, we either feel like we’ve let others down or that we have failed in our ability to succeed.
Expectations that are silent, limitless, and out of reach can quickly turn into shame—especially when they are someone else’s.
It’s aiming for the impossible, really.
And if we’re not careful, we project those same expectations onto those around us. “If I have to reach this standard, then others should, too.” And the cycle continues.
When you allow yourself to let go of the pressure of meeting every expectation and remove “should do,” “need to,” “have to” from your vocabulary, you can drastically release feelings of disappointment with yourself and others.
These words are filled with pressure and expectation. They can become judgments we turn on ourselves and eventually project outwardly towards others.
But what happens when you turn:
“I should do” to “I could do”
“I need to” to “I choose to”
“I have to” to “I get to”
Perhaps you begin to notice the expectations you are carrying. The ones that don’t belong to you. The ones you are trying to meet for others. And the ones you may be silently expecting from people around you.
Perhaps you begin to see options without pressure, and the possibility of going through the day in a gentler, more peaceful way, with acceptance and ease.
Do yourself a favour: cancel the unspoken appointments. Remove the weight of silent expectations you’ve been carrying on your shoulders and release others from the ones they never knew they had.
If this has touched something in you that you feel called to release, I offer online and in-person support to help you explore what your body, emotions, and nervous system may be carrying.
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